I don't like doing these personal blog entries, but sometimes I just have to get the words out.

I really do regret leaving so soon and not talking to the teachers and students I knew, but it wasn't my event, so it's probably best that I give them the space they deserve, just like when I went through. What I'm talking about is the Year 12 graduation that happened tonight, which my brother was in. Fairly straightforward mass with some extra bits here and there, you all get the point. This blog entry isn't about them, though. Rather, it's about things I've been thinking about which got touched on a bit during this mass.

I've stayed rather quiet (except for a bit of conversation in the Skype chat) over the Mojang-Microsoft buyout. It is what it is, and I'm going to continue to remain silent on it, because I don't think there will be any major effects from it that affect me. Except one.

http://www.theverge....-goodbye-letter

Notch's words are really poignant for me, because it really digs deep down into some stuff I've been thinking about heavily over the past few weeks, and watching what is essential an industry idol bring himself down like this...even without knowing the man personal, I'm still moved.

I know I'm not really touching on the issues just yet, but I want to describe the circumstances and the context first, because it's important to understanding why the issues matter. One of the biggest contextual events I have to be thinking about right now is my internship prep. Next term, if my timetable is correct, I will be preparing for my Internship. In order to do this, I need a portfolio, which doesn't exist as of the moment. Moreover, it symbolises the start of my 3rd year of college, and the beginning of the end of my entire education experience.

If you're not really getting the picture, I think the word "change" might be enough to guide you to my viewpoint. I'm not ready, but so very quickly I'm being thrust into it. Very soon, there will be no more support, no more assignments, no more teachers, no more anything. I'll be a free man. And that prospect scares me.

I've become very accustom to the idea of having someone always direct me to something. I don't like it, but it is what it is. The reason I don't like it is because I never really want to take responsibility for my time. It leads to laziness and ultimately not achieving anything, because I always like to assume that somebody else will automatically make me into a superstar in good time, so I don't have to do a thing. Again, I hate this, but it's become the norm, and very soon I need to snap out of it, or I'm completely screwed.

I've had to really think hard about what I want to do once I leave college. Most people probably already have their entire lives worked out. They'll instantly get a great job, maybe get married down the track, and die happy. For me, though, I really don't know. I want to make games to teach. I want to do public speaking. I want to be independent, but I have no money, and I'm scared that I won't be able to make a fun game and that I won't achieve anything. What sucks most is that I'm supposed to be past these fears by now, but they keep lingering the closer I get.

I don't know what it is about the thought of my Major Project, but now it seems like I daydream about it more than ever. I'm always imagining the huge amount of effort I put into it, and I can see people happy with the end product, but I can't see what it is. It's exactly like that dream Homer from The Simpsons had, where he had an incredible invention in his dream, but he woke up before he saw it. I think what's most scary is that I'm always having ideas for what my major could be, but I'm really unsure what it should be.

I'm passed the halfway point, now. 1.75 years done. That makes me uncomfortable. It's gone so fast. The thing is, college life is far more dramatic than high school or primary school life. I can look back over the past 1.75 years, and see way more things which have happened than my previous 13 years of education. College is like an addiction; it's crazy, wild, fun, but it also passes fast, so you need to get more. I don't know where to get more, though. I don't even if I can, or if I should.

When I started writing this, I opted to just spit words out, and see what happens. Looking over it, I'm still not really sure what I want to achieve in this moment, right now. Maybe that's exactly it, though; I'm tired of this lack of direction. Everything so far has been going with the flow, and while I do make plans, they're usually very short-term, and to avoid some kind of pain, and not to better my position or achieve some awesome goal. it's kind of pathetic, really.

The Priest's Homily during the graduation mass tonight had two important things I thought about, but I want to specifically touch on one. Normally I fade out completely during these things, but he grabbed my attention as he told the story of a kid who managed to put together an image of the world, which he had never seen before as a picture, by looking at the back and seeing a man, and constructing the man. The point illustrated is that you have to fix the man if you want to fix the world.

In a draft of this, I had a long section about how I didn't think my "talents" were really talents, just a bunch of skills I've cobbled together so I can at least have a tiny shred of self-worth. I think a lot of the reason I do this is I don't want to be caught bragging. I'd rather appear modest and down about myself than feel like I'm being very pompous and arrogant. Moreover, being in a design college, every day you meet people whose skills far outrank your own. The simple fact is that speaking and writing, two things which I may be good at (even though I'm not so confident with either) don't stand up to other arts, at least in my opinion. We're visual creatures. Art, photograph, web design, that whole category. I see a lot of that, and the people who make it, and I cannot compare. Nobody wants to read. Even if they did, my content is nowhere near as interesting as something like the Game of Thrones novels. And what is speaking going to do if I have no experience to actually speak about?

I don't know how to fix the man. Lazy, incompetent, scared, blah blah blah. The situation right now appears to be a lot more grim than it actually is, though. I have food. Shelter. Friends. Family. Job prospects. LEGO. You get the picture. I shouldn't have the right to complain, but this is what spending hours a day on public transport does to you. The point is, physically, the situation is fantastic, but mentally, the situation is going very far downhill. Let's just hope I can pull a miracle out soon. That might make me feel better.

Maybe.