There's so much on my mind right now.
ASIO attempting to pass new laws to essentially remove Internet privacy in Australia. The still ongoing drama in #GamerGate and the overwhelming amount of ridiculous back-and-forth between genders. My inability to stay focused long enough to be able to get important work, such as writing for employers and my own personal game designs, and unimportant hobbies, such as sorting LEGO and reading, done without drifting off into a world of wasted time and impossible dreams. My ex-girlfriend continually pushing forward new drama to the forefront. Family drama and upcoming commitments causing levels of stress and worry.
Things are a little busy right now.
So, what do I want to write about? I have this intense desire to get something out since it's preventing me from doing anything actually productive, but I don't want to touch on any of the issues I've discussed above...why not talk about my writing?
About 2 years ago, I likely wouldn't have considered myself anywhere near the level of a professional writer. I mean, technically speaking, I'm still not a professional, but I'm (hopefully) making content people enjoy which is public, so hopefully that counts for something. I don't shy away from criticism; rather, I try and seek it out. Not only does it help improve my writing, but it also makes me look a bit more modest. That's where the narcissism kicks in.
I think what's interesting about how I used LEGO was that I was less interested in how the smaller pieces fit together to make a bigger model, but rather how the big models fit together to make an overall scene. I still remember some of my first stories, such as the Alien Attack of LEGO City. Essentially, the Bionicle robots had arrived to destroy LEGO City, but were faced with great hardships, including betrayal, a lack of resources (known as potato chips) and even larger monsters there to defend the city. Ultimately the Bionicle forces learned the true power of friendship and gave up. All through reenacting the story, I had to give every character, including all of my generic little construction workers, a voice and some actions.
Now of course, I think we all did very much the same with our own toys. We created these vast worlds in our heads and played our action figures like puppets, but I believe the difference lies in the fact that I was always trying to weave these stories into one another, and play with even greater elements of the composition. As I got towards my pre-teens, I was setting up complex audio systems and creating these unique special effect moments (at one point I had to make an "airplane" that could explode but come back together as fast possible, just in case I missed my audio cue). Moreover, I know from what I've seen with most children who play with LEGO and what I've talked about with a few people in the LEGO community, a lot of other kids would be so obsessed with their own creations ("MOCs" being the technical term). I didn't care at all about what I had built; for me, the important bit was how well I could use something to convey a story.
I think I live in story. I've always argued that music can change my mood, and the reason for that I believe is that I am always pitching a story in my head to the rhythm of the music. Heavy dubstep? A trailer for a video game. Sweeping and sad orchestral themes? I'm witnessing a character's undoing. The music from Indie Game: The Movie? I'm now adding voice-overs to whatever is currently going on in my life, so as to really dramatise my own story. Even without music, I still find it incredibly easy to imagine myself or other characters doing all kinds of weird things. I'm usually pitching to myself these really abstract ideas. There's even been times where I've designed blog entries such as this, but as a sort of story within the subtext. I've never really been able to replicate these imaginary entries, but in my head they were examples of perfection.
So, now that I've done plenty of gloating about how I'm so incredible for living in a world of story, let's try and shape this entry into a nice, arrow-headed point.
Living in this world of story sucks. Sure, there's plenty of drama and tension that we all so desperately crave in our subconscious, but it's not real drama and tension. It's unrealistic expectations. A lot of what I imagine and write about is things that I wish would happen.
Well, maybe I don't exactly want an army of giant killer robots to fly down from the sky and then protest that they love, me, but the point is that these stories all seem to deal with themes such a ambition, popularity, love, success, braveness and so on, so forth. Things I don't necessarily have a lot of at the current moment.
Living in a world of story is a lot like becoming so engaged in your phone on the bus, that you don't notice the poor single mother with her child in a pram wanting to use the disabled seat that you are hogging. You begin to distance yourself away from these real conflicts, and instead of striving to take them with stride, learn from them and incorporate the feelings and knowledge into your writing to make better stories, you purposely handicap yourself to avoid the unknown.
I spent writing this entire blog looking for something to teach, and hopefully this can be it; for story-writers it is the utmost important that we never shy away from reality. We are the ones that have to get punched in the face, thrown in the mud and taken for a drive in the boot of a stranger's car.
There was an article on a gaming blog site (I think Polygon) which covered this idea that game developers need to distance themselves from their main hobby, the video games, in order to make better games. At the time, I didn't want to read it. Weirdly, I knew how true it was, but there was this fear. Fear of giving up this sense I had always had, this ability to throw myself into my own story-world whenever I was uncomfortable. Fear of the unknown.
In an attempt to appear civilised, I shall attempt to link in that list of distractions I posted at the top. Right now, I don't feel stressed about these because they are painful or because they can seriously damage my future if things go wrong. I'm stressed because, in order to conquer them, I really need to experience them, and set aside my fake story world. I'd need to conquer the fear of the unknown.
I call my ability to come up with stories in an instant my "6th Sense", because it's always taken elements from the world around me and parts of my memory to form something that can distract and entertain me, and up until now it's helped me to some degree. I don't think I should completely give it up, nor do I think that I could. What I really need to do, however, is find some way to exert more control over it, to become more focused, and use it only when it will help, not hinder me.
I know this entry was long, but hopefully a hidden message has become clear. We are each held back by common themes in our lives. Once we identify the problem and the fear it's caused by, we can work towards solving them. My hope is that you will leave this, thinking about your life. What's preventing you from being the best you can be?
How much is going on in your mind?
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