The Nastiest of Us

"No matter what, you keep finding something to fight for."

-Joel, The Last of Us

 I said I'd write an article about The Last of Us. I don't really think this will ultimately count, but I need a scratch-pad for some heavy thoughts at the moment.

The Last of Us has been hard to analyse after finishing it. Not because the subtext is difficult, or because information is hard to find; there are just so many articles, videos and other content available on the web to process all kinds of useful information about the game. Actually, that part has been both fun and enjoyable.

I've mentioned a number of times before in my blogs the word narcissism. Truth be told, I am one. The ironic (or not so ironic) thing of it is that for most of my life, I always weirdly imagined I was in some way different; that I was some kind of new make of human or that I would have or would get some kind of super disease that nobody has ever had. A lot of my assessments were the first of their kind partly for the challenge, but mostly for the recognition; I had the first CGI animation for the HSC for example. It should be noted that none of this ever worked out, which is what scares me a little more.

Have you ever had somebody tell you that they think you're special? That you're the one they care about, or that they think you'll do great things, or just do well in life in general? Well, imagine being told that by yourself every minute of every day. Imagine that a simple compliment suddenly becomes a heavy drive, one that acts a bit like a virus. It's unhealthy to have extreme expectations and always fail at them. It's unhealthy to consciously or unconsciously manipulate circumstances to better suit your Id. It's unhealthy to bring yourself down because somebody did what you wanted to do first.

First is an interesting word, because it implies a lot about the people it's applied to. It can be used in both good or bad contexts. In the world of narcissism, it's generally bad. If you let yourself buy into your own hype, you move further from the real world, as if you become closer to sitting in front of a mirror each minute of every day. Sometimes we need to be last, in order to prevent bad things from happening.

Take, for example, my Dad. Today, he did his usual rant while at the dinner table, insisting that because I was playing video games, I am entirely a slacker, but moreover that me entering a game design course was secretly a plot so I could play video games all the time. One could argue that this is the first time I've touched a game in months, but I digress. If I had been the first person to truely study games and their indepth impact on human psychology, I wouldn't have been able to give him a satisfactory answer. Now, frankly, since I'm coward, I didn't give him much of an answer at all, but by being the last of us I had a much better constructed argument in my head that would have likely blown him away. The first attempts at things are usually of poor quality in comparison to what comes far further down the track.

While studying the games I've recently finished, including The Last of Us, Journey, BEYOND: Two Souls and Ratchet & Clank: Nexus (one of these is not like the other), I've had these two different viewpoints both try to chow down on each other, vying for attention. My narcissism is heavily tied into my emotions, and so I can get fairly deeply upset when I see other people take "my" fame for an idea that I probably wouldn't have constructed as well as they have, something that my rational side tries to argue. A lot of times I notice this; the rational side wants to bring up these brilliant arguments on why I should avoid/do certain behaviour and feel certain things, but I usually end up relying on my gut feeling and emotions to guide me, which is dangerous.

Narcissism isn't some special disease or something truly unique like I would have hoped. It's more of an indicator of how one values their own survival. To a degree, we're all self-centred, but some can overcome that easier than others. In the interest of appearing modest, I'd like to believe I can overcome my deeply rooted narcissism in order to help others, but sometimes I feel as though it's a challenge that I'm not quite ready for, still being young and whatnot.

The reason I mentioned The Last of Us in the beginning was not entirely for some silly little pun to lead into this big personal debate. There is in fact a point. The Last of Us, to me, was this very beautiful reflection of me. It's as if Neil Druckmann had taken out the most core elements of what make me who I am, and stick them into a world not far from utter destruction. The thing was, for most of the game it was subtle, and there were plenty of moments I disagreed with in terms of Joel's actions, but over time as I came closer to the characters, it really started to hit me on how close I could be to Joel.

Without spoiling the ending, that was the most uncomfortable, and yet more enjoyable (on a rational level) moment for me. It was 3 words said by two characters in the end, that without the rest of the game wouldn't have made sense, but having gone through it all, nailed the point. The Last of Us, in terms of what I'm taking away from it, is less about surviving in this dystopic environment, and more about the realisation of cause and effect, how scarily flexible human personalities can be in the correct scenarios, and most importantly, how narcissism really doesn't differ between the extremes of the cold and harsh workplace, and the cold and harsh wastes.

The Last of Us has made me question a lot. It paints a picture of how all human accomplishments can be made useless and forgotten, just through human nature itself, yet deep down "I" don't want to be forgotten. Isn't that the point, though? If you were truly successful, your lessons and tools will live on longer in memory than you do? That feels like one conclusion that could be drawn from The Last of Us, and in one final concluding strike, I'd like to try and apply it to something important to me.

Since 2013 I've had this idea. It's gestated a lot, and taken many different forms. It's been refined, modified, cut down and built back up. It is supposed to be this revolutionary game idea, yet it encapsulates everything I've spoken of in this entry. I think The Last of Us mirrors a lot of what is going on with this idea of mine and myself. There is a stubborn refusal to let go, and to allow my narcissistic traits to take over under the belief that what's good for me will be good for everybody. And at this point, despite having said all I have, I cannot bring myself to throw it away or to stop thinking about it. At this point, it's a bit like a daughter to me. Something I care about so ferociously, I'd be willing to sacrifice the world for it. And even though they are entirely different in every single design standpoint except for the fact that they're both games, I've come to the conclusion that it happens to be;

The Last of Us.

A Touching Story

There's so much on my mind right now.

ASIO attempting to pass new laws to essentially remove Internet privacy in Australia. The still ongoing drama in #GamerGate and the overwhelming amount of ridiculous back-and-forth between genders. My inability to stay focused long enough to be able to get important work, such as writing for employers and my own personal game designs, and unimportant hobbies, such as sorting LEGO and reading, done without drifting off into a world of wasted time and impossible dreams. My ex-girlfriend continually pushing forward new drama to the forefront. Family drama and upcoming commitments causing levels of stress and worry.

Things are a little busy right now.

So, what do I want to write about? I have this intense desire to get something out since it's preventing me from doing anything actually productive, but I don't want to touch on any of the issues I've discussed above...why not talk about my writing?

About 2 years ago, I likely wouldn't have considered myself anywhere near the level of a professional writer. I mean, technically speaking, I'm still not a professional, but I'm (hopefully) making content people enjoy which is public, so hopefully that counts for something. I don't shy away from criticism; rather, I try and seek it out. Not only does it help improve my writing, but it also makes me look a bit more modest. That's where the narcissism kicks in.

I think what's interesting about how I used LEGO was that I was less interested in how the smaller pieces fit together to make a bigger model, but rather how the big models fit together to make an overall scene. I still remember some of my first stories, such as the Alien Attack of LEGO City. Essentially, the Bionicle robots had arrived to destroy LEGO City, but were faced with great hardships, including betrayal, a lack of resources (known as potato chips) and even larger monsters there to defend the city. Ultimately the Bionicle forces learned the true power of friendship and gave up. All through reenacting the story, I had to give every character, including all of my generic little construction workers, a voice and some actions.

Now of course, I think we all did very much the same with our own toys. We created these vast worlds in our heads and played our action figures like puppets, but I believe the difference lies in the fact that I was always trying to weave these stories into one another, and play with even greater elements of the composition. As I got towards my pre-teens, I was setting up complex audio systems and creating these unique special effect moments (at one point I had to make an "airplane" that could explode but come back together as fast possible, just in case I missed my audio cue). Moreover, I know from what I've seen with most children who play with LEGO and what I've talked about with a few people in the LEGO community, a lot of other kids would be so obsessed with their own creations ("MOCs" being the technical term). I didn't care at all about what I had built; for me, the important bit was how well I could use something to convey a story.

I think I live in story. I've always argued that music can change my mood, and the reason for that I believe is that I am always pitching a story in my head to the rhythm of the music. Heavy dubstep? A trailer for a video game. Sweeping and sad orchestral themes? I'm witnessing a character's undoing. The music from Indie Game: The Movie? I'm now adding voice-overs to whatever is currently going on in my life, so as to really dramatise my own story. Even without music, I still find it incredibly easy to imagine myself or other characters doing all kinds of weird things. I'm usually pitching to myself these really abstract ideas. There's even been times where I've designed blog entries such as this, but as a sort of story within the subtext. I've never really been able to replicate these imaginary entries, but in my head they were examples of perfection.

So, now that I've done plenty of gloating about how I'm so incredible for living in a world of story, let's try and shape this entry into a nice, arrow-headed point.

Living in this world of story sucks. Sure, there's plenty of drama and tension that we all so desperately crave in our subconscious, but it's not real drama and tension. It's unrealistic expectations. A lot of what I imagine and write about is things that I wish would happen.

Well, maybe I don't exactly want an army of giant killer robots to fly down from the sky and then protest that they love, me, but the point is that these stories all seem to deal with themes such a ambition, popularity, love, success, braveness and so on, so forth. Things I don't necessarily have a lot of at the current moment.

Living in a world of story is a lot like becoming so engaged in your phone on the bus, that you don't notice the poor single mother with her child in a pram wanting to use the disabled seat that you are hogging. You begin to distance yourself away from these real conflicts, and instead of striving to take them with stride, learn from them and incorporate the feelings and knowledge into your writing to make better stories, you purposely handicap yourself to avoid the unknown.

I spent writing this entire blog looking for something to teach, and hopefully this can be it; for story-writers it is the utmost important that we never shy away from reality. We are the ones that have to get punched in the face, thrown in the mud and taken for a drive in the boot of a stranger's car.

There was an article on a gaming blog site (I think Polygon) which covered this idea that game developers need to distance themselves from their main hobby, the video games, in order to make better games. At the time, I didn't want to read it. Weirdly, I knew how true it was, but there was this fear. Fear of giving up this sense I had always had, this ability to throw myself into my own story-world whenever I was uncomfortable. Fear of the unknown.

In an attempt to appear civilised, I shall attempt to link in that list of distractions I posted at the top. Right now, I don't feel stressed about these because they are painful or because they can seriously damage my future if things go wrong. I'm stressed because, in order to conquer them, I really need to experience them, and set aside my fake story world. I'd need to conquer the fear of the unknown.

I call my ability to come up with stories in an instant my "6th Sense", because it's always taken elements from the world around me and parts of my memory to form something that can distract and entertain me, and up until now it's helped me to some degree. I don't think I should completely give it up, nor do I think that I could. What I really need to do, however, is find some way to exert more control over it, to become more focused, and use it only when it will help, not hinder me.

I know this entry was long, but hopefully a hidden message has become clear. We are each held back by common themes in our lives. Once we identify the problem and the fear it's caused by, we can work towards solving them. My hope is that you will leave this, thinking about your life. What's preventing you from being the best you can be?

How much is going on in your mind?

Being Drunk on the Education of Life

I'm always been told that college is "the best years of your entire life". I'm very much inclined to believe them, most of the time. Sometimes, however, it takes a serious amount of perspective to make things turn right around.

I regularly flip a coin inside my head. It's a heavy coin, and sometimes it manages to get stuck on its side, and I'm not really sure how I want to deal with it. See, this coin represents what some would consider a "simple" choice; it's me deciding to call myself either a 'Teacher' or a 'Game Designer'.

What's in a name? All so much, and that is why this is the biggest hurdle for myself.

I've already discussed how Video Games are some of the greatest teaching tools on the planet, using the brilliant research of Raph Koster and all of those whom he researched, and I believe I've made it quite clear I want to use games to help people. So what, therefore, is the problem? Can't I just say I want to be a teacher and move on?

You can't really call yourself a teacher if all your designs/classes to date have not given one single important lesson to their intended audience. Moreover, there's this perspective that anything "educational" will be boring, repetitive and cheap, with as much passion put into it as the people who sit in the top levels of administration have for their educational practices.

I want to teach, but what? What on Earth could I possibly bring to the table that hasn't already been said, done and learnt far better by other people with much more experience than I have? Do I even have a chance to suc...

Hold on.

"Experience".

Life is all about experience.

I've never really lived a "normal" life, if you go by the standards set out in the media. Unfortunately, my weird little life hasn't necessarily been all that exciting and interesting, either. I think that grants me a certain level of fresh experiences that most people have not had, and a differet perspective that really help and change lives, if put to good use.

For example, I had my first experience being properly "drunk" (or something close to) last night. I had nearly a full bottle of Whiskey, and it certainly whisked my ass in the end. I remember the dizziness, the fuzziness, the lack of restraint, and the euphoric feeling. I was kind of lucky, I had many good people nearby to me, I drunk plenty of water to prevent a hangover the next morning and my iron stomach kept its contents. Now, certainly, I'm not the only one who experienced their first drunken night like this, so it might be a bit of a bad example to demonstrated how my life is somewhat a "weird normal", but what I want to focus on is the teaching, so please stick with me.

What could I teach in a moment like this? Well, considering that this was an overall success since nobody was hurt, most of all myself, it looks like I have found potentially the best circumstances to put yourself in when faced with a big bottle of cheap spirits, and while most of us will have greater judgement, what about children who've never even had a drop of liquor in their lives? Surely by presenting them a game that could allow them to design the first time they get drunk, and watch it play out, that may have some positive effect in the absence of guiding morals that this current education system seems to lack? Of course, there are other factors, such as what type of drunk you are (your psychology), but it seems that even on a simple scale, the key lessons can be retained.

How about something else? My first kiss. It was horrible.

I actually did make a "game" about this. A game with no goals, no interactions, just a simple linear walk through several museum exhibits. Weirdly, it actually fit the exact feel and meaning I was going for, but that doesn't change the fact what I made was disrespectful to the very lessons I bring forward to you in my blogs today.

In short, it was a terrible kiss that essentially marked the beginning of the end for a trial period between myself and a friend. I felt uncomfortable for most of it, and it made me a bit sick on reflection afterwards. Now, that's all fine and dandy, but where's the lesson in that?

Maybe the problem wasn't the kiss itself, but everything surrounding it. My preconceptions and my expectations, the environment, and the events that had preceded the kiss. Maybe this is what I could make a game about; fighting off the very orchestrated notions that media has put into the heads of the younger generations about love. You could be yourself, trying to save a Prince or Princess, but everything goes wrong along the way. Or does it?

I know the idea sounds very abstract at the moment, but that's because fleshing this out is beyond the scope of this blog entry. The point of writing, for me, is to rubberduck my ideas, and hopefully come to a conclusion that solves one of my problems, and creates another to solve. I think this blog entry was successful. It wasn't successful at solving the Coin Name Dilemma, but it's shown me I can in fact draw on my experiences to teach those who I feel could benefit from the lessons.

Maybe the thing to take away, overall, is that labels can only serve as a generic placeholder where it must be taken upon the reader to research, and get a far more indepth profile of the subject. The differences between a teacher and a game designer only seem to rest in their core audience and their application of technology, and the later is being changed the further we move into the digital revolution. I for one look forward to exploring what I can do and what I want to solve, but what I know now is that labels cannot define my mission which defines me. I am more than a product of generations of preconceptions.

I am a meta-teacher.

Upcoming Blog Entry: The Education System: A Phoenix Before The Ashes

I don't like doing these personal blog entries, but sometimes I just have to get the words out.

I really do regret leaving so soon and not talking to the teachers and students I knew, but it wasn't my event, so it's probably best that I give them the space they deserve, just like when I went through. What I'm talking about is the Year 12 graduation that happened tonight, which my brother was in. Fairly straightforward mass with some extra bits here and there, you all get the point. This blog entry isn't about them, though. Rather, it's about things I've been thinking about which got touched on a bit during this mass.

I've stayed rather quiet (except for a bit of conversation in the Skype chat) over the Mojang-Microsoft buyout. It is what it is, and I'm going to continue to remain silent on it, because I don't think there will be any major effects from it that affect me. Except one.

http://www.theverge....-goodbye-letter

Notch's words are really poignant for me, because it really digs deep down into some stuff I've been thinking about heavily over the past few weeks, and watching what is essential an industry idol bring himself down like this...even without knowing the man personal, I'm still moved.

I know I'm not really touching on the issues just yet, but I want to describe the circumstances and the context first, because it's important to understanding why the issues matter. One of the biggest contextual events I have to be thinking about right now is my internship prep. Next term, if my timetable is correct, I will be preparing for my Internship. In order to do this, I need a portfolio, which doesn't exist as of the moment. Moreover, it symbolises the start of my 3rd year of college, and the beginning of the end of my entire education experience.

If you're not really getting the picture, I think the word "change" might be enough to guide you to my viewpoint. I'm not ready, but so very quickly I'm being thrust into it. Very soon, there will be no more support, no more assignments, no more teachers, no more anything. I'll be a free man. And that prospect scares me.

I've become very accustom to the idea of having someone always direct me to something. I don't like it, but it is what it is. The reason I don't like it is because I never really want to take responsibility for my time. It leads to laziness and ultimately not achieving anything, because I always like to assume that somebody else will automatically make me into a superstar in good time, so I don't have to do a thing. Again, I hate this, but it's become the norm, and very soon I need to snap out of it, or I'm completely screwed.

I've had to really think hard about what I want to do once I leave college. Most people probably already have their entire lives worked out. They'll instantly get a great job, maybe get married down the track, and die happy. For me, though, I really don't know. I want to make games to teach. I want to do public speaking. I want to be independent, but I have no money, and I'm scared that I won't be able to make a fun game and that I won't achieve anything. What sucks most is that I'm supposed to be past these fears by now, but they keep lingering the closer I get.

I don't know what it is about the thought of my Major Project, but now it seems like I daydream about it more than ever. I'm always imagining the huge amount of effort I put into it, and I can see people happy with the end product, but I can't see what it is. It's exactly like that dream Homer from The Simpsons had, where he had an incredible invention in his dream, but he woke up before he saw it. I think what's most scary is that I'm always having ideas for what my major could be, but I'm really unsure what it should be.

I'm passed the halfway point, now. 1.75 years done. That makes me uncomfortable. It's gone so fast. The thing is, college life is far more dramatic than high school or primary school life. I can look back over the past 1.75 years, and see way more things which have happened than my previous 13 years of education. College is like an addiction; it's crazy, wild, fun, but it also passes fast, so you need to get more. I don't know where to get more, though. I don't even if I can, or if I should.

When I started writing this, I opted to just spit words out, and see what happens. Looking over it, I'm still not really sure what I want to achieve in this moment, right now. Maybe that's exactly it, though; I'm tired of this lack of direction. Everything so far has been going with the flow, and while I do make plans, they're usually very short-term, and to avoid some kind of pain, and not to better my position or achieve some awesome goal. it's kind of pathetic, really.

The Priest's Homily during the graduation mass tonight had two important things I thought about, but I want to specifically touch on one. Normally I fade out completely during these things, but he grabbed my attention as he told the story of a kid who managed to put together an image of the world, which he had never seen before as a picture, by looking at the back and seeing a man, and constructing the man. The point illustrated is that you have to fix the man if you want to fix the world.

In a draft of this, I had a long section about how I didn't think my "talents" were really talents, just a bunch of skills I've cobbled together so I can at least have a tiny shred of self-worth. I think a lot of the reason I do this is I don't want to be caught bragging. I'd rather appear modest and down about myself than feel like I'm being very pompous and arrogant. Moreover, being in a design college, every day you meet people whose skills far outrank your own. The simple fact is that speaking and writing, two things which I may be good at (even though I'm not so confident with either) don't stand up to other arts, at least in my opinion. We're visual creatures. Art, photograph, web design, that whole category. I see a lot of that, and the people who make it, and I cannot compare. Nobody wants to read. Even if they did, my content is nowhere near as interesting as something like the Game of Thrones novels. And what is speaking going to do if I have no experience to actually speak about?

I don't know how to fix the man. Lazy, incompetent, scared, blah blah blah. The situation right now appears to be a lot more grim than it actually is, though. I have food. Shelter. Friends. Family. Job prospects. LEGO. You get the picture. I shouldn't have the right to complain, but this is what spending hours a day on public transport does to you. The point is, physically, the situation is fantastic, but mentally, the situation is going very far downhill. Let's just hope I can pull a miracle out soon. That might make me feel better.

Maybe.

Goals

I don't like airing out private issues in general. There's a lot of reasons; I feel like I'm taking up others time, taking away attention from them/using them to bring attention to myself, it's too easy to make up fake problems, you lose the mystique you have about you, etc. The point is, I'm not someone who is completely open to everybody. Those who do get some of the story, don't get the entire picture.

Tonight, my friend gave me a suggestion after I decided to let loose on a few personal issues. He gave me some awesome suggestions, and while I will implement and carry them out, I wanted to write this. Not because I want people to care about me or my problems, but because once they're out in the air, you can't use them as some kind of defence against procrastination.

Even now, every bone in my body wants me to stop, turn around and keep myself "safe", but I'm not going to listen this time. I've got things I want to talk about.

I've identified myself to have narcissistic tenancies. Everyone does, but I feel like mine are quite significant, and they can come at the expense of others. For those who are not sure, narcissism relates to essentially "self-love"; i.e., you're very obsessed with yourself and your own well-being, without caring too much about others. Most people are narcissistic, but from what I can tell, it's very minor. They care very much about others and generally don't want to push themselves out in the spot light. The important thing is that they seem to be doing things because they care, not because they have hidden intentions and motivations.

If you've ever seen me walk out on the street, you might have seen me wear my Ratchet hat. It's a pretty odd thing; it makes my forehead look huge, it's bright yellow and white and it's very fluffy and has these ears that are on weird angles. It's a unique hat. A lot of things I wear are unique, but the hat seems to be the most prominent. It's one the get the biggest reaction, and I think that might be part of why I like wearing it. Keyword being "think".

When I wear the hat, the reactions I get are very mixed. Some, including my mother, feel like I belong in a mental institution. They can't understand the logic behind wearing something so odd and sticking out like a sore thumb. Others supposedly believe it's quite interesting and enjoy the change. It's sometimes nice to see something more than slick, gelled hair and baseball caps. These reactions can come through a lot of means, be it the words they say to me, right to their physical stance and facial expressions. People aren't very hard to read when you make a game out of it.

What I find most annoying is how, in the wide open public of North Sydney and Town Hall, I can wear this wild, crazy hat and not feel any bit insecure, enjoying the attention. But, as soon as I get back to my hometown, I feel compelled to get home as soon as possible. I become afraid of those around me, and even though I don't like to admit it, the constant feeling of being judged by those closest to me does bother me. It could be related to many things, such as a fear of being attacked by a bunch of twelve year old smokers (seriously). I'm not sure.

So, what was the point of discussing all of that? It ended up with me saying "I'm not sure", so clearly whatever point I was going to make has been lost. That, in and of itself, is the point. There's this theme in my life surrounding focus, and my lack thereof.

My friend brought to my attention this idea that, when I told him I was no longer sure what I wanted to achieve, I needed to think smaller. And, while that's what I would like to start doing soon, I want to dedicate the rest of this entry to discussing what I wanted to achieve, and the problems surrounding each. If I can get each out in the open, maybe just maybe, it might be easier to let go, and to focus on the smaller steps, so that I can put myself in a position to at least achieve the most meaningful ones. If I'm lucky.

Goal: Educate People Through Games
When I was a little kid, I had nothing to worry about. I really didn't. I didn't have friends until halfway through Kindergarten, and even then, I probably only ever visited them outside of school once or twice up until Year 7. I didn't have access to the Internet for a while, either, so communication with them was limited to school hours. Essentially, in the wake of my brother and I starting to grow apart, I grew up kind of alone.

That's not really what I wanted to focus on, though, depressing as it may be. See, a lack of people usually means a lack of problems (at least in how I experience life, which I hate, but we'll get to this later). And since you have no problems to solve, you feel kind of fulfilled. At least, as a kid, you don't feel like you have much of a greater purpose. Life is kind of static, and a young me revelled in it. When I wanted to solve problems, I turned to either my LEGO or my video games, which were full of them. Life, however, was pretty empty.

I went through school weirdly. For most of it, I didn't know what I wanted to achieve. At one pointed I wanted to drive trains, another become an Engineer, somewhere I wanted to be a singer, and so on so forth. The idea of being a game designer never really occurred to me because I was so scared that I would have no talent for it compared to others, that I wouldn't be able to get a job and end up wasting life. Those fears are still to some extent real, but now over then, something changed.

Sometimes, we are passed on a torch. The torch burns with knowledge, and just like before the Olympics, we have a responsibility of passing the torch on to others, provided we do it in a safe manner (i.e. don't just throw the goddam torch at the next runner). The last two years were incredible because I received the torch. I learnt things many people do not know, and I started to realise that these powerful ideas could benefit people. Suddenly, I felt this overwhelming responsibility to bring these ideas to the people, not for my own gain or others, but because I would feel wrong not sharing what I know, and helping people where I can.

What's scary is the idea that people won't listen, that I shall be rejected, or that I will throw the torch either at the next runner, or into a big pool, so the torch is extinguished and the lesson wasted. There's such a fine line to walk to get everything perfect so it works, I'm not sure if I have what it takes, or if it's truly what I want.

Goal: To Be Stage Famous
Have you ever had an entire lecture theatre of people laughing at your jokes? There are times when those moments are the only thing you believe you live for.

I remember my first speech in Year 4/5 (but not the year, apparently). Up until that point, I had always been a little quirky, a little quiet, and generally a nobody. Yet, during that speech, for 3 minutes, I had the entire class in the palm of my hand. They were laughing, having a good time, and I put those smiles on their faces. Suddenly, I wasn't being ignored and I had found something that not many others could do as well as me.

I have a lot of daydreams. I'm not sure why, but this fictional world I create for myself is always entertaining, and it's where I like to go when things in the real world don't match up. Interestingly, lots of the time, my daydreams involve me on a stage, standing out in front of the crowd of millions, talking about whatever is important to me at the time. Something about standing out is interesting to me, but it only works when I can be the literal centre of attention.

Many of my friends can draw, sing, dance, do martial arts, drive, etc. They have these incredible raw talents that I am fairly jealous of. Whenever I see their creations, I feel like failure internally. The thing is, speaking and writing (which I don't want to admit I'm good at, when I see the many incredible works and articles written daily by others) aren't very "showy" talents, if you catch my drift. A picture or a song can be uploaded, and your friends can see that and instantly give you feedback. The recognition you get is very quick. But, in terms of speaking (I'll discuss writing later), I can't just go around to each person's house and give a lecture. It's something that requires a specific set of events to occur, and if people are not in the right mood or cannot reach the same wavelength as you think on, it's very easy to be ignored and forgotten.

It doesn't help that speaking helps greatly with sales jobs, but I feel a moral quandary with manipulating people for my own gain. I don't want to take on that evil, but nobody is going around looking for people to do public speaking, and I don't feel ready to approach games full time yet. It also doesn't help that this feels like the most immature goal of mine, and stresses how unprepared for reality I am.

Goal: To Be A Writer  Story-teller
I look through my own words a lot. Blog entries, game design documents, short stories, etc. I'm usually disappointed. Spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, logical fallacies, logic gaps and plot holes. Why do people insist this is something I'm good at? It doesn't help that I usually talk up my writing abilities in a feign effort to appear confident and good at something. Really, I know that many are probably laughing at my work.

When I look at Chris Avellone, Shakespeare, George Orwell and many others, I make a realisation each time. Despite what the great painters and musicians gave us, it seems that the writers, at least the good ones, have the most profound impact. One can study a picture for hours on end, but a deep text will have so many little titbits to rip out of it, that it can take one years to really discover its true meanings. A writer can sway minds and worlds, should his audience be accepting of it.

In the year 2014, not many people want to read, at least not many that I know of. I know this because I don't want to read. In fact, I'm going to be amazed if any of you make it this far through the blog entry. We're such a speedy culture (at least in the first world western civilisation), that reading books and taking in these stories is hard. That's weird, because storytelling is supposed to be one of the best ways to communicate concepts with others. That's why we always give examples that explain and stick with the reader.

I hate it, but I live on gratification. I want people to praise me. I hate that, but it's what happens, and it's disturbing. The reason that writing talents suck is that you don't get instant gratification form your audience, especially if you make a long piece like this one. A viewer looking at a picture can give an immediate response before going indepth, but a reader must always take time to even barely skim the work before responding. And, unfortunately, I don't capture much audiences attentions. I always hype myself up on this idea that my next bit of writing is going to earn X amount of likes and all this praise and views, and of course, the unrealistic expectations and never met.

I think, though, at the end of the day, I don't think the real goal is specifically writing, but telling stories. When I played with my LEGO, my video games or even in my imagination, it involved telling stories. It's something I've always done, and there seems to be this joy I get out of sharing experiences with other people, even if they're not necessarily real. But, the problem with formats other than the written word is the amount of effort it takes. I'm not going to dive into the procrastination discussion, but I think we can see it's pretty clear I let schedules slip easily, and I get frustrated even easier.

Goal: Have a Family
I won't elaborate too much on this, because it's pretty clear. I think the real problems involving this are my social relations, and also how it can conflict with the other goals as far as resources, but we can discuss this another time.

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In the end, I don't know why I wrote this, why I'm positing it, why you're reading it, and if the response will be embarrassing or friendly. I don't like appearing too human; it wrecks the multiple persona thing I use to give people what they seem to want out of me.

I think, deep down, I just want to make others happy, because that makes me happy. Unfortunately, with the world being so big and complex, it can be hard to know how to do it best, and a lot of the time I put myself in front of others.

Let's just hope things change soon.