Tonight, my friend gave me a suggestion after I decided to let loose on a few personal issues. He gave me some awesome suggestions, and while I will implement and carry them out, I wanted to write this. Not because I want people to care about me or my problems, but because once they're out in the air, you can't use them as some kind of defence against procrastination.
Even now, every bone in my body wants me to stop, turn around and keep myself "safe", but I'm not going to listen this time. I've got things I want to talk about.
I've identified myself to have narcissistic tenancies. Everyone does, but I feel like mine are quite significant, and they can come at the expense of others. For those who are not sure, narcissism relates to essentially "self-love"; i.e., you're very obsessed with yourself and your own well-being, without caring too much about others. Most people are narcissistic, but from what I can tell, it's very minor. They care very much about others and generally don't want to push themselves out in the spot light. The important thing is that they seem to be doing things because they care, not because they have hidden intentions and motivations.
If you've ever seen me walk out on the street, you might have seen me wear my Ratchet hat. It's a pretty odd thing; it makes my forehead look huge, it's bright yellow and white and it's very fluffy and has these ears that are on weird angles. It's a unique hat. A lot of things I wear are unique, but the hat seems to be the most prominent. It's one the get the biggest reaction, and I think that might be part of why I like wearing it. Keyword being "think".
When I wear the hat, the reactions I get are very mixed. Some, including my mother, feel like I belong in a mental institution. They can't understand the logic behind wearing something so odd and sticking out like a sore thumb. Others supposedly believe it's quite interesting and enjoy the change. It's sometimes nice to see something more than slick, gelled hair and baseball caps. These reactions can come through a lot of means, be it the words they say to me, right to their physical stance and facial expressions. People aren't very hard to read when you make a game out of it.
What I find most annoying is how, in the wide open public of North Sydney and Town Hall, I can wear this wild, crazy hat and not feel any bit insecure, enjoying the attention. But, as soon as I get back to my hometown, I feel compelled to get home as soon as possible. I become afraid of those around me, and even though I don't like to admit it, the constant feeling of being judged by those closest to me does bother me. It could be related to many things, such as a fear of being attacked by a bunch of twelve year old smokers (seriously). I'm not sure.
So, what was the point of discussing all of that? It ended up with me saying "I'm not sure", so clearly whatever point I was going to make has been lost. That, in and of itself, is the point. There's this theme in my life surrounding focus, and my lack thereof.
My friend brought to my attention this idea that, when I told him I was no longer sure what I wanted to achieve, I needed to think smaller. And, while that's what I would like to start doing soon, I want to dedicate the rest of this entry to discussing what I wanted to achieve, and the problems surrounding each. If I can get each out in the open, maybe just maybe, it might be easier to let go, and to focus on the smaller steps, so that I can put myself in a position to at least achieve the most meaningful ones. If I'm lucky.
Goal: Educate People Through Games
When I was a little kid, I had nothing to worry about. I really didn't. I didn't have friends until halfway through Kindergarten, and even then, I probably only ever visited them outside of school once or twice up until Year 7. I didn't have access to the Internet for a while, either, so communication with them was limited to school hours. Essentially, in the wake of my brother and I starting to grow apart, I grew up kind of alone.
That's not really what I wanted to focus on, though, depressing as it may be. See, a lack of people usually means a lack of problems (at least in how I experience life, which I hate, but we'll get to this later). And since you have no problems to solve, you feel kind of fulfilled. At least, as a kid, you don't feel like you have much of a greater purpose. Life is kind of static, and a young me revelled in it. When I wanted to solve problems, I turned to either my LEGO or my video games, which were full of them. Life, however, was pretty empty.
I went through school weirdly. For most of it, I didn't know what I wanted to achieve. At one pointed I wanted to drive trains, another become an Engineer, somewhere I wanted to be a singer, and so on so forth. The idea of being a game designer never really occurred to me because I was so scared that I would have no talent for it compared to others, that I wouldn't be able to get a job and end up wasting life. Those fears are still to some extent real, but now over then, something changed.
Sometimes, we are passed on a torch. The torch burns with knowledge, and just like before the Olympics, we have a responsibility of passing the torch on to others, provided we do it in a safe manner (i.e. don't just throw the goddam torch at the next runner). The last two years were incredible because I received the torch. I learnt things many people do not know, and I started to realise that these powerful ideas could benefit people. Suddenly, I felt this overwhelming responsibility to bring these ideas to the people, not for my own gain or others, but because I would feel wrong not sharing what I know, and helping people where I can.
What's scary is the idea that people won't listen, that I shall be rejected, or that I will throw the torch either at the next runner, or into a big pool, so the torch is extinguished and the lesson wasted. There's such a fine line to walk to get everything perfect so it works, I'm not sure if I have what it takes, or if it's truly what I want.
Goal: To Be Stage Famous
Have you ever had an entire lecture theatre of people laughing at your jokes? There are times when those moments are the only thing you believe you live for.
I remember my first speech in Year 4/5 (but not the year, apparently). Up until that point, I had always been a little quirky, a little quiet, and generally a nobody. Yet, during that speech, for 3 minutes, I had the entire class in the palm of my hand. They were laughing, having a good time, and I put those smiles on their faces. Suddenly, I wasn't being ignored and I had found something that not many others could do as well as me.
I have a lot of daydreams. I'm not sure why, but this fictional world I create for myself is always entertaining, and it's where I like to go when things in the real world don't match up. Interestingly, lots of the time, my daydreams involve me on a stage, standing out in front of the crowd of millions, talking about whatever is important to me at the time. Something about standing out is interesting to me, but it only works when I can be the literal centre of attention.
Many of my friends can draw, sing, dance, do martial arts, drive, etc. They have these incredible raw talents that I am fairly jealous of. Whenever I see their creations, I feel like failure internally. The thing is, speaking and writing (which I don't want to admit I'm good at, when I see the many incredible works and articles written daily by others) aren't very "showy" talents, if you catch my drift. A picture or a song can be uploaded, and your friends can see that and instantly give you feedback. The recognition you get is very quick. But, in terms of speaking (I'll discuss writing later), I can't just go around to each person's house and give a lecture. It's something that requires a specific set of events to occur, and if people are not in the right mood or cannot reach the same wavelength as you think on, it's very easy to be ignored and forgotten.
It doesn't help that speaking helps greatly with sales jobs, but I feel a moral quandary with manipulating people for my own gain. I don't want to take on that evil, but nobody is going around looking for people to do public speaking, and I don't feel ready to approach games full time yet. It also doesn't help that this feels like the most immature goal of mine, and stresses how unprepared for reality I am.
Goal: To Be A
I look through my own words a lot. Blog entries, game design documents, short stories, etc. I'm usually disappointed. Spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, logical fallacies, logic gaps and plot holes. Why do people insist this is something I'm good at? It doesn't help that I usually talk up my writing abilities in a feign effort to appear confident and good at something. Really, I know that many are probably laughing at my work.
When I look at Chris Avellone, Shakespeare, George Orwell and many others, I make a realisation each time. Despite what the great painters and musicians gave us, it seems that the writers, at least the good ones, have the most profound impact. One can study a picture for hours on end, but a deep text will have so many little titbits to rip out of it, that it can take one years to really discover its true meanings. A writer can sway minds and worlds, should his audience be accepting of it.
In the year 2014, not many people want to read, at least not many that I know of. I know this because I don't want to read. In fact, I'm going to be amazed if any of you make it this far through the blog entry. We're such a speedy culture (at least in the first world western civilisation), that reading books and taking in these stories is hard. That's weird, because storytelling is supposed to be one of the best ways to communicate concepts with others. That's why we always give examples that explain and stick with the reader.
I hate it, but I live on gratification. I want people to praise me. I hate that, but it's what happens, and it's disturbing. The reason that writing talents suck is that you don't get instant gratification form your audience, especially if you make a long piece like this one. A viewer looking at a picture can give an immediate response before going indepth, but a reader must always take time to even barely skim the work before responding. And, unfortunately, I don't capture much audiences attentions. I always hype myself up on this idea that my next bit of writing is going to earn X amount of likes and all this praise and views, and of course, the unrealistic expectations and never met.
I think, though, at the end of the day, I don't think the real goal is specifically writing, but telling stories. When I played with my LEGO, my video games or even in my imagination, it involved telling stories. It's something I've always done, and there seems to be this joy I get out of sharing experiences with other people, even if they're not necessarily real. But, the problem with formats other than the written word is the amount of effort it takes. I'm not going to dive into the procrastination discussion, but I think we can see it's pretty clear I let schedules slip easily, and I get frustrated even easier.
Goal: Have a Family
I won't elaborate too much on this, because it's pretty clear. I think the real problems involving this are my social relations, and also how it can conflict with the other goals as far as resources, but we can discuss this another time.
In the end, I don't know why I wrote this, why I'm positing it, why you're reading it, and if the response will be embarrassing or friendly. I don't like appearing too human; it wrecks the multiple persona thing I use to give people what they seem to want out of me.
I think, deep down, I just want to make others happy, because that makes me happy. Unfortunately, with the world being so big and complex, it can be hard to know how to do it best, and a lot of the time I put myself in front of others.
Let's just hope things change soon.
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